Monday, November 26, 2012

Dumb Ways to Die...

Have you ever wondered how many dumb ways there are to die? Let this song and video answer all of your questions.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Non-Traditional Thanksgiving!

Remember to eat Chinese food this thanksgiving!

Thanks to all of our amazing fans! Without you, it would be really awkward to record the podcast without my pants on. You guys are the best!

Walk Again.

This is one of the latest short films I worked on. Keenan Panti did a phenomenal job on the edit for it. I couldn't be happier with how he put it all together. Thanks to Carter Blanc for writing the script.  Also Thanks to Zach Powell and Tim Drake for all of your hard work on it. It was a lot of fun to shoot this film!

Monday, November 5, 2012

New recording! What I would be thinking if I were President Obama and realized I just gave that entire speech with my fly down!

I just recorded a brand new reading form the book! Sadly, I do a terrible Obama impersonation, so Obama's thinking voice belongs to yours truly. If you're subscribed to MHOTM on iTunes, like you should be, you can hear it there, and if not, you can click the Obama below to listen and download as well.


Click this picture to listen!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Halloween Costumes!

Please listen to the Halloween MHOTM Episode by clicking here!

Halloween. Such a magical, wonderful time of year! The pumpkins are ripe for the picking, and the apples are ripe for the bobbing.

My favorite part of this holiday is dressing up in costume. Choosing a costume also happens to be one of the most difficult decisions you'll make during the whole year. That is why today, I will help you decide what to be.

There are a few decisions you need to make before you settle. Consider your body type. Are you better suited for a sexy Marilyn Monroe costume, or a peanut M&M? I'll just let you consider that for a moment.

There are a few categories you could settle into: Sexy, Scary, Topical, or Punny. I have compiled a list of ideas for you, lets go through them.

First, the Sexy Zombie. Business suit, zombie face paint, you can't go wrong. Add some blood to look like you just ate someone's brains.

Sexy Werewolf. Wait, Scary Werewolf. Idk, I'm a little turned on, but that may be a side effect of some other stuff I'm working with...

Okay, this is actually a scary clown. All he does is just stand there, staring at me. 

Jordan, dressed as Lurch! Or Frankenstein, depending on if you're a MORON. Don't get it wrong.

Just stole that guy's balloon. I later beat that guy up and stole his yellow hat too.

A costume doesn't have to be elaborate or creative to be amazing. A mustache from a quarter machine at the Piggly Wiggly will do just fine. 

The funniest costume ever: Aron Ralston! Remember, the guy from that 127 Hours movie. No, not James Franco, that guy actually existed. In real life! Seriously! Can you imagine a dumber person? Eh, at least we got a laugh out of it.

You could go for Halloween as your Doppelgänger. For me, that is Dr. Sweets from Bones. Sorry guys, you'll never unsee it. Who is yours?

An internet meme is always a good choice. You'll want to be on the cutting edge though, this two and a half year old reference might be lost on your younger and older viewers.

You could go as a common joke in the media, too.

Some costumes are just not tasteful though. Come on guys, uncalled for.

What are you dressing up as this year? Weigh in below, in the comments field!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Thank you letter to NASA

Dear NASA,
On October 14, 2010, I sent a letter containing my application to the space program as well as my designs and an artist's concept drawing of the new space suit designs. I am thrilled to have read that you are using my designs! I know that this will both make the astronauts feel less self conscious, and it will spark an interest in the upcoming generation to go into space exploration.
Again, I am flattered and excited that you have decided to use my ideas for the space suit. As I discovered the new design from the internet and not a formal recognition letter, I saw that my name was left out of the credits. There is no need for royalties or to give me credit, I understand that the good people who actually built it should be the ones listed on the patent. All I'm interested in is a "thank you" for giving you the ideas. I mean, obviously, they changed the design a little from my original design, but it is close enough to merit a thank you note.
I eagerly await your reply, and hey, if there's an invitation to come tour the facility, I'm not opposed to that!
Thank you,
Gordon T. Witherbottom, III
PS Sorry about Neil. He was my personal hero, I always dreamed of battling space aliens along side him. He's walking on the great moon in the sky now.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A Lazy Man’s Guide to Becoming an Olympian

I don’t know if you realize this, but it is pretty difficult to get into the Olympics. That is, unless you are a swimmer and live in Cuba, because all the best swimmers have already swam to America. Once you’re there, it is even harder to get on the medal stand, although if you’re not an athlete, you are going to be escorted away in handcuffs.

First, you have to be conscious of the country whose team you wish to join. A team such as the United States, China, or Great Britain will be much more difficult to qualify for because they have a very high standard of excellence on their teams. They generally appreciate athletes who can win a Gold medal, rather than shooting for 64th place. Let’s face it: you suck. The sooner you can accept that, you can begin the search for the perfect team to join.

Iceland is one country with a very low standard for Olympic excellence. Astoundingly, Iceland has no Olympic champions. I’m serious, not a single one. They would be thrilled to have a 64th placed athlete in the games. Their attitude about the Olympics is similar to that of a city league or a church ball team; they are playing just for fun and to make friends.

Iceland is one of the wealthiest countries in the world, and they could buy all the gold medals they wanted. Where would the fun be in doing all that work (you know, finding a seller, paying for shipping, opening the box)? Iceland is concerned mostly with the joy of simply playing the game, and even more concerned with having enough film inside their outdated cameras when they go sight-seeing in the host country of the Olympic Games. These concerns are, as you can imagine, of far greater importance than finding exceptional athletes, and they will most likely overlook your athletic shortcomings.

When I was in college, I was a member of the Sigma Chi fraternity. Every year, we sent two different teams to the university’s Intermural Basketball League. The first team was comprised of those athletes who truly wanted to win the championship. This team held several practices per week, had uniforms, and a coach. They were called “The Blue Angels,” after the famous aviators, because they share official colors (blue and gold).

The other team, my team, was called “The B Team.” We took the Iceland approach. And it was fun. It was the kind of thing where all the other teams we played could have essentially written that week off as a bye week when they played us, because we just goofed around. We had a standing tradition of trying to have everyone foul out, until we were forced to forfeit the game. Never a dull moment with The B Team! Because of this experience, I understand and fully support what Iceland is doing in the Games.

This is true, you can look it up: for each sport that Iceland competes in, there are dozens of alternates. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, Iceland wants to have the largest team presence at the Games. Second, they want all of their friends and families to come play too. There is basically two choices for these people, they can either come to the Games and see a warm and beautiful part of the world for a couple weeks, or they can stay home, huddling together for warmth and eating whale blubber. I think the choice is obvious! To be clear, for those who didn’t catch on, the choice here is to go play at the Olympics.

Next, if you want to be on the team, you have to be selective about the sport you choose. Everybody wants to be the 100m sprinter or the gymnastics star, because those are the sexy-as-hell sports. You might have to consider one of the less popular sports, such as Badminton, Field Hockey or Handball. Something where there is a whole team of misfits and you will not be singled out as the “weird guy,” or the “reason we lost.” Hell, if all else fails, try to invent your own sport and lobby to have it added to the list of events. The inventor of a sport will almost always be the best at it, or that’s what you have to hope for anyway.

You could try and get your version of Bocce Ball into the games. My family plays it where all the balls, including all the bocce’s and the jack ball, are tossed at the same time. That way, it’s never a matter of skill, rather, it’s all chance. You never know where the jack will land, so the cluster is always a surprise. This is perfect, because without skill, this is an easy way to get into the Games.

Last, there is always the Nancy Kerrigan approach to finding a place on the team. For those of you who may not remember Nancy’s 1994 attack just prior to the 1994 Lillehammer Winter Olympics, Nancy’s right knee was clubbed, forcing her to withdraw from the World Championships. This method has its shining moments, along with its downfalls.

 First and foremost, this will only really work if you’re next in line for a spot in the Olympics. For you to make the team, however, you’ll have to club hundreds or thousands of would-be Olympians. This gets a little messy, and may be cause for an international incident.

 Next, it will be hard for you to cover up these attacks, and you’ll probably be caught very quickly, thus preventing you from competing in their place. I’m sorry to say, but this method seems to be ineffective anyway, since Nancy Kerrigan kept her spot on the 1994 team and eventually went on to collect a Silver Medal in Women’s Figure Skating.

Alas, the Olympics remain a nigh insurmountable aspiration. Despite this list of perfect advice, I have yet to accomplish such a feat as competing on that world stage. A more ambitious man might try again for the next Games, but here I am, officially declaring my retirement from the race to the Olympics.

 I hereby “pass the torch” onto you, dear reader.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Fall of Television

In honor of Andy Griffith (June 1, 1926 - July 3, 2012), please enjoy this oldie, but a goodie.

As I sit down and get ready to veg out and watch a bit of television (or more likely, a couple shows on Hulu), I am frequently appalled by the things I see and hear; commercials for adult merchandise, women who are nearly naked, and language that my mother would smack me for using. Television is falling faster and faster into the abyss of explicitness, however there are still educational and wholesome programs available for everyone.

For someone who is trying to keep smut out of their mind and home, it can be difficult. Even during the simple act of watching the news, one is bombarded with ads for wiener cream and other sex devices. During prime time television, the sexual content is so racy that you might as well turn on a pornographic video, because at least then you'd get less bad language! Television is steadily heading downhill with rough language, risqué content, and strong sexual back beats promoting teenage promiscuity and glamorizing the gays.


The laws that govern television have become much more relaxed over the past few years. There are shows about housewives, desperately sneaking around to have affairs with teenagers and cracked out hobos (I actually have never seen the show, but they seem like Teri Hatcher's type), and even cartoons that glamorize farts and other violent behavior. There are even plans to make the F-word and full frontal nudity legal on network television, probably. I get this enough in my own internal dialogue, I do not need it from television, America!

Our TV's are our last mind numbing frontier for our children. As responsible adults, it is our moral obligation to protect our children from corruption, while forcing them to watch The Wiggles whenever possible, in order to keep the incessant chatter down. Of course, this can backfire when a commercial for a male enhancement drugs comes on. How would you like to explain that to little Jimmy? I know I wouldn’t. Trust me, I know from failed experience.

Where did the old family-friendly sitcoms of yesteryear go? When did Bart and Lisa Simpson replace Wally and The Beav? I contest that The Andy Griffith Show is infinitely better for our children's minds than Family Guy. Andy Griffith had a moral in every episode. 

Don’t steal. Don’t say bad words. Be respectful to women. Go fishing with Pa. 

Never once was a curse work or a sexual reference used, and is was one of the more successful shows of its day. Today, a certain reality star named Kim can’t keep her marriage together for more than 72 days, and is flaunting her fights all over the super-market tabloids and television “news” stories. I wish we all had a better example of a solid, committed marriage relationship to look at in the mainstream media. It seems like Brad and Angelina might have a good relationship, I mean, with all those kids, but they aren’t even married, so they are officially out as candidates.

Next, professional sports are a long standing American tradition, and I wholly expect them to be wholesome and child friendly. Maybe we change the channel during the hyper sexualized beer commercials once in a long while, but overall, they should be a family friendly experience. 

The Super Bowl is an example of a hit and miss sporting adventure. The game is usually uneventful, the commercials are usually really funny and clever, and the halftime performance is usually something like U2 or Prince, some old, harmless guys playing some old classics as an homage to the older generation in attendance. During the 2004 Super Bowl broadcast, Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake royally messed with the Super Bowl and CBS’s credibility with a "wardrobe malfunction." Jackson’s right breast was briefly exposed on live television, and for those of us who were lucky enough to catch it, it was possibly a once in a lifetime chance to see that on network television, except for the 2012 Superbowl, when Cee Lo Green dressed to look like Janet's boob.

I recommend that, instead of subjecting ourselves to this garbage, we fill our minds with healthier, better material. Networks like The Science Channel, The Discovery Channel, PBS and many others show programming that teaches real facts and principles, rather than merely entertain. The 10 o’clock news is an acceptable example of wholesome programming, where the worst thing they talk about is, like, a dead hooker or something, but they do it in a tasteful way, so it’s okay. Besides, by 10:00pm, the children should be in bed anyway, so it’s probably not that big if deal anyway. 

Instead of vegging out, mindlessly flipping channels back and forth between a reality show about old ladies who are addicted to plastic surgery or shopping or sex with teenagers, and a show where a bunch of 25-year-old jackass's jump off of things and hurt each other in other various ways, you might want to watch a documentary about how toilet paper is made, a biography of some famous dead guy, or a show about River Monsters. There are a lot of wholesome educational programs that all you have to do is stumble upon. That’s how I discovered The History Channel.

In conclusion, television is falling faster and faster into the abyss of explicitness, but there are still educational and wholesome programs available for everyone. The next time you are mindlessly flipping through the channels, remember that there are always better things to stuff into your brain, with the exception of Lost. I hate that show. Don't watch it.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Breaking: Justin Timberlake Interview Cancelled

Sad news, everyone. We can't get Justin here for his interview this week, because, well, he's dead.

Here's the obituary that ran this morning in The Moon Times:

Tonight, we will be "Crying a river" for our dear friend Justin Timberlake. On Tuesday, June 26 2012, JT left us as a result of bringing "Sexy" back, which is the name of his parasite which he brought back from his recent trip to New Jersey. Justin enjoyed sharing his musical talent with the women of Earth, and as of late, turned his focus to acting. His crowning performance was his role as "Boo-Boo Bear" on the 2010 classic, Yogi Bear. Justin's thoughts turned to his work with 'N Sync, regretting that they had not gotten back together again to create one last magical record. As he laid in agony, he bargained with God to take Lance Bass instead. Ultimately, Justin lost the battle he so bravely fought. As we all know, God must have spent a little more time on Justin. He is survived by his doggies and his considerable Grammy collection. Bye bye bye, Justin. We'll see you "In Time." (get it?)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Traveling in Canada

Traveling to another country is always an adventure. There are new cultures, customs and experiences that are different from your own, and that can be very exciting.  It can also be an eye opening experience. It may come as a surprise, as it did to me, that some of these backward countries have extremely low standards for how they treat American guests of honor into their humble country, at least, much lower than I had expected.

I expected to be greeted with a kind smile, a warm hello, and a pair of fluffy white slippers and the terry robe to match. What did I get instead? The customs agent humorlessly telling me that they didn’t supply the pens with which to fill out the customs forms, and if I didn’t find a pen, I would be stuck there in the terminal; a fate worse then hell itself. Once I found a pen (given to me by a very nice American named Warren), I was able to get it filled out and turned in. Again, without a smile, the border guard, I guess, asked me exactly what I was doing Canada, then didn't wait for my answer before stamping my passport and sending me on my way. You know what, Mr. Guard? It's nice when people actually listen and care how you are, so I take back my "have a nice day."

As an American, I often feel the need to impart my infinite wisdom onto the poor citizens of whatever community I visit. This week, I am visiting Toronto, Canada. I feel it is my civic duty to make sure that they stop serving their Freedom Fries without fry sauce (a delicious mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise) or that they pronounce words like “about” and “sorry” the right way. It just feels off, here, like the bizarro world. Gas here is $1.40, which I thought was amazing, until I found out that it was for a litre. And seeing a speed limit of 60 in a school zone was entertaining, but again, kilometers. Who are these pretentious Canucks trying to fool, anyhow? I half expected my driver to suddenly merge onto the left side of the road!

I still can’t shake the feeling that I traded my hard earned American dollars for monopoly money at the Currency Exchange station. And not even the number of money I gave them! I coughed up a hundred bucks, and what do I get handed back? I fist full of colorful dollars with some old lady on them, all of which look like someone had printed them out at home. I was a little put off by the colors, and then I counted it. 79 bucks?! I handed you $100! You trying to screw me?! One time, a few years ago, I got handed a stack of counterfeit $50 bills, and at least those bills looked legit. These weren’t even freaking green!

After I calmed down, and realized that these Canadians were not to be reasoned with (after all, it is only $21, nothing to lose my head about), I decided to head to dinner. When the bill came, I could not believe they expected me to pay so much for a steak, especially one without my favorite sauce! These Canadians, where the hell do they get off???

Canadians, at their core, are nothing more than a simple people trying to make it in this crazy world. It may take some squinting, but I can look past the blatant disregard for my personal pleasure while traveling in their primeval existence they call a country. Instead, I choose to see a wonderful land of snow and ice, a place where, despite not knowing the value of a dollar, they sure can make the hell out of a steak.