Wednesday, October 19, 2011

How to make a nice dinner in 30 easy steps

How to make a nice, if not romantic, dinner:
1. Go to the store. Walk or drive, your prerogative.
2. Walk straight to the back and play the X-Box in the video game section for a while. If there is a line, patiently wait your turn. Ignore the other kids waiting for you to finish your game; play hard.
3. When you remember why you're actually at the store, go back to the front and get a cart.
4. Pace up and down the aisles aimlessly and try to find stuff that looks good to eat. Fruit Roll-Ups, Rice Krispies, and a mega pack of gum will do the trick.
5. After your cart is completely full if ice cream, chips and Hostess products, go get a new cart. Leave this one abandoned in the spaghetti aisle. You know your girlfriend will not be as happy about a candlelit Twinkie dinner as you will.
6. Now, go shop for real dinner food.
7. Ask the worker in the produce section, the one stocking up the apples, where to find good dinner food.
8. He'll give you some ambiguous directions along the lines of "Oh, there's stuff on aisles 2 through 87, and you can get stuff up front too... (trails off). Don't let this deter you, just follow his directions.
9. Start on aisle 2, and find the frozen TV dinners.
10. Find something with chicken, something classy.
11. DON'T BUY THE FIRST ONE YOU FIND! Figure out what's in it and get the ingredients to try to make it at home. This makes you look classy. You know, like you know stuff.
12. Now, with a list of ingredients, go venture out and try to collect them all. This list will usually be comprised of various onions, chicken breasts (heh), potatoes, 'shrooms, etc.
13. Once these are all compiled, head to the front of the store and get in line. If you see a line you think is moving faster than the one you're in, move. It's okay to move back if the line starts to move again.
14. Before you know it, you'll be all rung up, ready to pay.
15. Pay.
16. Thank the elderly gentleman bagging your groceries.
17. Make like a baby and head out. (see what I did there?)
18. On your drive home, be sure to listen to upbeat music, such as 2 Legit 2 Quit by M.C. Hammer or Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega (personally, my two favorite songs)
19. After carefully parking the car in the garage, carry all the bags into the kitchen.
20. If you're lucky, she will have preemptively made the dinner, and you're off the hook. Because you're not lucky, however, you better get out your chef hat and start practicing your muppets impression.
21. Now, you're ready to cook. If you have a recipe, you better just follow it.
22. If you don't have a recipe, go ahead and get creative. Chop some stuff up, slice some other stuff up, you might even decide to saute it all together if you're feeling fancy.
23. Toss a little bit of this in, a little bit of that and mix it all up.
24. Boom. You're done! Taste.
25. ...
26. That bad? ... Hmmm...
27. Grab your Honey.
28. Grab the car keys.
29. P.F. Chang's makes a nice dinner. Go there.
30. And that's how to make a nice, if not especially romantic dinner in 30 easy steps! Remember, it's the thought that counts!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture, anyone?

Does Rapture scare anyone else? It scares me mostly because it sounds like Velociraptor, or as I like to call it, "veloci-rapture."

I've been feeling a little off my game this week... Pre-rapture maybe?

I promised the bank I'd make a payment on Monday... I'm counting on the end of days this weekend!

After the rapture, everyone who said I was an idiot for buying an RV can't come to the Grand Canyon with me.

Is it weird that I don't include myself in those who will be raptured?

I set the alarm on my phone to remind me about the rapture, but I'm concerned I'll confuse the earthquake with the vibration setting on my phone. Anyone willing to call me? (if you're still here :)

I was thinking, how awesome would it be to leave piles of clothes all over the neighborhood, then all the religious fanatics would feel like a piece of crap because they didn't get raptured! Suck it, jerks!

If the May 21, 2011 rapture really does happen on Saturday, does that mean stores will stop closing on Sundays?

I feel like this might be one of those "Heaven's Gate" type deals, where everybody kills themselves this weekend... Wouldn't that be the biggest "screw you" to those guys if the rapture happened like 10 minutes later?

Will you be raptured? If not, there's a party at my house, with chips and grape pop! There might even be lawn darts! Woot!

Looking for something to wear to your Rapture Day party? CLICK HERE

Insert rapture joke into the comment box!

In case I don't see you: "good afternoon, good evening and good bye everybody!!!"

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Unpopular Methods of doing standard household activities

            Brushing your teeth

Brushing your teeth can be a pain. The motion of brushing can aggravate an old football injury, or more realistic, that time a spider started crawling on your hand, causing you to squeal like a girl and slip on the wet kitchen floor where you whimpered a little while checking to make sure nobody saw. One way around this is to hold the brush stationary, and shake your head back and forth to achieve the same motion. As before, this may aggravate other injuries, but the impact may be lessened on that sore shoulder.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

If I had a million dollars.

Recently, I was forced at gun-point (banana gun) to contemplate the idea of having a million dollars, and what I would spend it on. It did not take long to decide. As a result, I have compiled a list of the things I would spend this imaginary scrilla on:

1.   250,000 lbs of Salt Water Taffy. That's 16,250,000 individual pieces! That is enough taffy to give every single person in The Netherlands a piece of taffy. Can you imagine how happy that would make 3/4 of those people?! I would imagine that about a fourth of the people would be less than wowed, but I still have yet to meet more than 1 out of 4 people who don't love a piece of free taffy. Yum!

2.   Costa Vida meals, 3 meals a day, for 114 years. I know that is probably unhealthy, but just think about how much food that is! I mean, I'd probably skip a meal or two here and there, so it would last even longer. My theory is that most people die "of old age" because they have nothing really awesome to live for. I think living until I'm 136 years old in order to finish my meals is a perfectly reasonable explanation for living to such an old age. As I always say, "Eat what you can, die at age 136 like a man."

3.   A zeppelin, like they had back in the day. The reason for this is purely for entertainment; you could silently sneak up on people, granted they did not see the shadow, and drop a water balloon on them! You could also use this aircraft to make a quick grocery run, and can you imagine picking up a date in one of those things?! Move over old, crusty muscle cars, the zeppelin is here.

4.   An old muscle car. I take back what I said about them being crusty, they are cool.

5.   The World's Most Expensive Haircut, just to hold a world record.

Wow, it is certainly eye opening to look into one's soul and see what a stack of hundreds would go towards.

Makes you think.