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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving dinner: Help stop the suffering!

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Thanksgiving is a day when we all get together as families to catch up on gossip. We all remember what happened last year right? Last year feeds the fire for this year, and this year feeds next. It's a vicious cycle.

Amiright?

There is one upside to this charade we call Thanksgiving: Chinese food. Let me explain.

Thanksgiving food is gross. Just putting it out there. Food that's not gross? Chinese. Ever since I was knee-high to a person, I've always sought to find my favorite food at the Thanksgiving day buffet, but to no avail.

When I turned 16 and was old enough to just drive and drive, away from the foolishness that is cornbread stuffing, I found myself at a Panda Express where I experienced the greatest Thanksgiving feast of my life!

Orange chicken, egg rolls, chow mein, yum! Since that day, I have made it a tradition to have Chinese on Thanksgiving. I mean, if everyone else gets to have their favorite "candied yams" and homemade "stinky-foot green bean casserole", I get my beef and broccoli, and my cashew pepper chicken.

This year, I plan on bringing home made ham fried rice and sweet and sour sauce to the feast in order to enlighten the other guests to a new way of thinking. My goal? Eliminate the awful tradition of nearly burning down the house, a steep price to pay, for a disgusting, dry turkey. Eliminate the fighting, the gossipping, and the gastro-intestinal distress. I mean, that much mashed potatoes must stay in there for a while, right? With Chinese, you could feast every hour, on the hour, because you'll just be hungry again later.

Please, help stop the suffering. Bring some Chinese barbecued pork to your dinner tomorrow. Your family will be "Giving-Thanks" to you!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


See, doesn't that look so much better than lumpy gravy and funeral potatoes?
Yes. Yes it does.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Top 10 Ways You Know You Live in Utah

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10.  Hunting season is a state holiday.
9.    People get mad when you swear.
8.    Everybody knows your name, even those whom you don't want to.
7.    If you ask a question, it's answered in scripture form.
6.    "You're not going to the celestial kingdom" is considered a burn.
5.    All the flippin' four letter words are spelled differently than the darn rest of the country.
4.    There are carrots in your Jell-o.
3.    The most common haircut is "The Missionary".
2.    More people watch General Conference than the Super Bowl.
1.    Chapels here are like Starbucks everywhere else.

Monday, November 8, 2010

In my next life, I'll come back as a Giant

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As I laid in bed last night, after a long day of watching the Rock of Love marathon on VH1, I considered life.  Is this it? Is my time here on this Earth meant to be spent watching burned out rock stars flounder in the fading spotlight while eating old Halloween candy? After much contemplation, I have determined the answer is a resounding yes. Why? Because.
There is nothing better than relaxing while others prance around acting like complete idiots. That is, except being one of them. This got me thinking… What better way to get noticed than by being bigger than everyone else?
This is why, in my next life, I’ll come back as a giant. How radical would it be to be twice as tall as everyone, and get to knock everyone around? Answer: A million. Then, I’ll bet people make a reality show out of me! This would also be a million radical, I can assure you.
Another great thing about being a giant is that you get to eat as much as a large family, while they stand by and watch. They may cheer you on at first, but they’ll lose interest when they realize you have eaten their whole dinner. They’ll start to make dinner again, this time for themselves. This is the perfect time for you to slip out the back, never to be heard from again, until tomorrow night.
One down side is that you’d probably have a hard time riding roller coasters. I have often banged my knees and had to duck coming around corners, and I couldn’t imagine being 10 feet tall.  It seems like a giant would need to carry around a fanny pack with a bunch of band-aids just to keep from having everyone stare at him.
In my next life, I will come back as a giant. A giant with a motorcycle, because even giants gotta be bad to the bone.
Richard Kiel, a King among Men
(I'd try not to look as screwed up, though.
I mean, who wears Hawaiian shirts anymore?)